P0L1T1X W1TH GREGG - THA 1MP0RTANSE 0F V0ATING

HAY EVERYB0DDEEY. T0DAYY 1 EM G0NNA TAULK AB0WT P0L1T1X. EVUR S1NSE MY RUN-1NN W1TH THA LAWW, 1 HAV B1N TH1NKIN A L0TT AB0WT 0WR GRATE KUNTREY, AND MY R0AL 1N 1T. TH1S 1S ST0FF 1 HAV NEVUR REELEE K0NSIDURD BEF00R. 1 V0ATED 1N THA LAST ELEKSHUN, BUT 0NLEY BEKAWZE THA V0TUR REJISTRASHUN CHIK WUZ H0T, AND T0ALD MEE THAT V0ATINJ WUZ L1KE PLAYIN A REELEE K00L VIDEY0 GAYME (W1CH, BY THA WAYY, 1S T0TULLEY N0T TR00 - 1 PRESSD SUM BUTUNZ BUT 1T WUZINT ANNY FUN AT ALL). BUT W1TH THA NEKST ELEKSHUN K0MINJ UPP F0R PREZIDENT 1 EM AKSH00ALEY G0NNA PIK A KANDIDIT, AND THEN 1 W1LL V0AT F0R THEMM.

A LITTUL HISTUREY: 0WR KUNTREY WUZ F0WNDED A FYEW TH0WZIND YEERZ AG0E 0N THA IDEYA 0F H0ALDINJ ELEKSHUNS. N0B0DEE HAD HURD 0F AN ELEKSHUN BEF00R TH1S. THA WERD WUZINT EVIN 1N THA DIKSHUNAREY. WEN 0WR F00R FATHURS (D00DS L1KE WASHINGTUN, KENEDEY, JEEZUS, AND D1ZNEEY) R0AT THA DEKLARASHUN 0F K0NST1T00SHUN (WICH 1S L1KE THA B1BULL, BUT LESS RILIJUSS), THAY DES1DED THAT THA PEEPUL W00D GIT T00GETHUR AND DESYDE H00 W00D MAYKE THA LAWZ AND ST0FF. AND TH1S PURSUN W00D ALS0E GIT THA M0AST CHIKS, AND W00D GIT LAYED ALL THA FREEKIN TYME. TH1S PART WUZ N0T RITTIN D0UN, BUT 1T WUZ UNDURSTUD.

S0 N0WW, T0DAYY, WEE V0AT F0R 0WR LEEDURZ. THA M0AST 1MP00RTINT LEEDUR 1S THA PREZIDENT. TH1S 1S A D00D H00 1S L1KE THA KING 0F THA UNYTID STAYTES, AND HEE 1S A T0TULL PLAYUR. THA KURINT PREZIDENT 1S K1ND 0F A DIKWADD, BUT THA LAST D00D, B1LL KLINGON, WUZ T0TULLEY K00L. HEE G0T CHIKS LEFT AND RYTE. HE EVIN PUT A SIGAR UP SUM CHIKS K00CH!!!!! 1 TOTULLEY RISPEKTED PREZIDENT KL1NG0N.

TH1S TYME WEE HAV A B0NCH 0F D00DS RUNNINJ F0R THA PREZIDENT G1GG. THAY ARR BR0AKIN 1NT00 T00 0F THA LAMEST PARTEEZ EVUR: THA DUM0KRATS AND THA RETURDLIKANS. 1 D0NT EVIN KN0WE WYE THAY ARR KALLED PARTEEZ, BEKAWSE FRUM WUT 1 CAN SEA, THAY ARR N0 FUNN. N0 0ALD EE, N0 K0MB0ZE, N0T THAT MANEY CHIKS. SHITTEY PARTEEZ.

ANNWYAYY, THA RETUDLIKAN KANIDATES ARR ALL 0ALD WYTE GYEZ, N0T K00L AT ALL. THA KURINT PREZIDENT 1S AN 0ALD WYTE RETUDLIKUN, AND HEE 1S A T0TULL ASSHAT. 1 W1LLL N0T V0AT F0R 0ALD WYTE RETUDLIKANS!!! TH1S 1S MY RYTE AS AN AMERIKUN. 0N THA UTHUR HAND, THA DUM0KRATS HAV A KUPPUL 0F 1NTURETINJ KANIDATES. FERST 1S HILUREY KL1NG0N. SHEE 1S B1LL KL1NG0NS MUTHUR, AND 1F SHEE WINZ, WEE W1LL SEA B1LL BAK 1N THA N00Z ALL THA TYME. TH1S 1S GUD, BEKAWSE HEE 1S A TOTULLEY K00L D00D. H0WEVUR, 1NSPYTE 0F TH1S, 1 D00 N0T TH1NK 1 EM G0NNA V0AT F0R HILUREY. SHEE 1S T0TULLEY N0T H0TT, N0T AT ALL. SHE LUKS L1KE MY UNKLE HARULD, BUT W1TH SAGGEE T1TS. AND SHEE HAS T00 BEE L1KE 15O YEERZ 0ALD. REELEE N0T MY TYPE.

THA UTHUR 1NTURESTINJ DUM0KRAT 1S A D00D NAYMED 1RAK 0SAMA. 0NE THINJ TH1S D00D HAS G01N F0R H1M 1S NAYME REK0GNISHUN, AS B0THE HIS FURST NAYME AND LAST NAYME ARR THINJS THAT ARR APARINTELY 1N THA N00Z, F0R SUM REEZUN. ALS0E, HE 1S A BRUTHUR. TH1S 1S Y00NEEK. WEE HAV N0T HAD A BRUTHUR BEK0ME PREZIDENT S1NSE MYKUL JAKSUN BAK 1N THA 8O"S. AND HEE WUZ 0NE WEERD MUTHURF0KKUR. 0SAMA SEAMS L1KE A PRITTEY K00L D00D. WEN HEE GIVS SPEETCHES HEE USES A L0T 0F B1G WERDS, AND HEE REELEE SEAMS T00 MEEN WUT HE SEZ. WUTEVUR THAT 1S. PLUS HE KAN PR0BUBLEY DANSE, W1CH 1S 1MP00RTINT 1N A PREZIDENT.

S0 1 EM ANN0UNSINJ T0DAYY THAT 1RAK 0SAMA HAS THA GREGG SEEL 0F APPR00VUL. WEN Y00 V0AT, V0AT F0R 0SAMA. 1F HEE 1S ELEKTED PREZIDENT, Y00 KAN LUK F00RWERD T00 A KUNTREY W1TH A L0T 0F DANSINJ, AND K0MB0ZE AND 0ALD EE F0R ALL (TH1S 1S NOT AN 0SAMA KAMPAYNE PR0MISS, BUT 1 BELEAVE HE W1LL MAYKE 1T HAPPIN). V0AT 0SAMA!!!>%#$#$!!!!

G.A.D.D. (GREGG AGENST DR0NK DRYVINJ)

HAY S00PURBL0J FANZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I EM S0RREE 1T HAS BIN S0 F0KKING L0NJ SINSE MY LAST P0AST. A L0T 0F BAD SH1T WENT D0UN AT THANXGIVINJ. 1T WAS BAD, BUT 1T WUZ ALS0E GUD. PLEEZ ALL0UW MEE T00 EKSPLANE.

1F Y00 RIMEMBUR, THANXGIVINJ WUZ 0N A TH0RSDAYE. SUMTYME 1N N0VEMBUR. 1 HAV ALLWAYZ FELLT THAT 1T 1S A VEREY, VEREY, VEREY SPESHUL H0LLIDAYE, BEKAWSE 1T GIVS US ALL A CHANSE T00 RIMEMBUR ALL THA GUD SH1T THAT HAPPIND T00 US 0VUR THA PAST YEER. L1KE, THAT TYME 1 F0WND A HAFF EMPTEY B0TTUL 0F 0ALD EE 1N A PAPUR BAGG 1N THA PARK. THAT DAYY, 1T WUZ L1KE G0DD H1MSELLF WUZ L1KE, "GREGG, Y00 ARR T0TULLEY MY BR0."

S0, TH1S THANXGIVINJ 1 WUZ SITTIN AR0WND, RIMEMBUR1NJ THA GUD ST0FF L1KE THA B0TTUL OF 0ALD EE, AND ANUTHUR TYME WEN 1 F0WND 0WT TH1S CHIK 1 HAD SEKS W1TH DIDNT HAV HURPEEZ, BUT JUST JENITUL W0RTS (N0T K1D1NJ). T00 HELP MEE RIMEMBUR ST0FF, 1 NOKKED BAK A FYEW V0DKUH SH0TS (1 HAV ALLWAYZ F0WND THAT DRINKINJ 1MPR00VES MY MEMUREY). AND THENA FYEW M00R. 1 F1N1SHD THA B0TTUL AND WENT 1NT00 MY FRIDJE F0R A B0TTUL 0F 0ALD EE. BUT QUESS WUT!?!?!?! 1 WUZ 0WT 0F 0ALD EE!!!!?!!!!!!! N0T K1D1NJ. 1 HAD T00 D00 SUMTHIN AB0WT TH1S TERRIBULL S1TCHUASHUN.

THA KL0ASEST PLASE THAT S0ALD 0ALD EE WUZ TH1S LIKKER ST00R AB0WT F00R BL0KKS FRUM MY H0WSE. 1 PR0BUBLEY K00D HAV WAULKED 1T, BUT AFTUR ALL THA V0DKUH 1 WUZ HAVINJ TRUBBLE STAYINJ 0N MY FEAT. N0WW, LET ME JUST SAYY THAT DRINKIN AND DRYVINJ 1S BADD. 1T 1S A BADD THINJ, BEKAWSE 1T 1S HARD T0 RIMEMBUR WARE Y00 ARR G01N, AND 1TS EEZEY T0 GIT L0ST. BUT TH1S 0NE TYME, 1 NEADED 0ALD EE S0 BADD, 1 WUZ JUST L1KE, F0KK 1T!!!!!!!!!!!%!!!!!!!! S0 1 JUMPD 1N MY KARR AND SPEDD 0FF.

1 MAYDE 1T AB0WT A BL0KK, B0WNSINJ 0FF SUM KERBS AND KARZ AND SH1T, N0 B1G DEEL. THEN ALL 0F A SUDIN 1 SAWW SUM FLASHIN BIHIND MEE. 1T WUZ THA FUZZ!!@^&!! N0T K1D1NJ!&!%%&!! S0 1 WUZ L1KE, HAY, MAYBEE TH1S D00D JUST L1KES T00 FLASCH H1S LYTES F0R FUNN. S0 1 DR0AVE ANUTHUR BL0K, H1T1N SUM MAYLB0KSES AND K1DZ OR WUTEVUR, AND THEN THA DIKHED K0P GITS 0N H1S BULLH00RN AND 1S ALL L1KE, PULL 0VUR 0RR 1 W1LL SHEWT Y00 1N THA FASE!!!! TH1S 1S N0T A DIREKT KW0TE BUT TH1S WUZ BASIKALLEY WUT HEE WUZ SAYIN. S0, L1KE AN ASSHAT 1 PULLD 0VUR. DIKHED K0P GITS 0WT AND ASKS MEE 1F 1 HAV BIN DRINKIN. 1 TELL H1M JUST A LITTUL, BAYRELEY ANYTHINJ - WICH WUZ TR00, K0NS1D1RINJ 1 USUALLEY DRINK L1KE 127641276 TYMES WUT 1 HAD THAT NYTE. BUT G1T TH1SS!!! HE WUZ L1KE, 1 THINK Y00 ARR A DRUNK ASS MUTHURFUKKUR!!! ALS0E N0T A DIREKT KW0AT. S0 HE MAYKES MEE TAYKE A BRETHALYZUR TESST AND 1 GIT L1KE A 263218348127, WICH 1 THAWT WUZ PRITTEY GUD, BUT APARINTLEY W1TH TH1S TESST, THA HYUR THA NUMBUR, THA WURSE Y00 D1D!!!!! 1 WUZ ALLWAYZ BAD AT SIENSE.

S0 HEER 1S THA PART Y00 ARR N0T G0NNA BELEAVE - D00D SEZ 1 HAV B1N DR0NK DRYVIN!!!!! 1 MEEN, WUT THA F0KK?!?!? WERSE, HEE SED HEE WUZ G0NNA 1MP0WND MY SWEEAT RYDE!!!!! 1 WUZ L1KE, WUT THA F0KK D1D 1 D00 T0 D1ZURVE TH1S?!?!?!

S0 A T0W TRUKK KAME T00 TAYKE MY AWSUM KARR T00 THA 1MP0WND L0T, AND 1 WAULKED H0AM. AS 1F TH1S STAYTE 0F AFFAYRZ WUZINT BAD ENUFF - 1 ST1LL D1D1NT HAV ANNY 0ALD EE!!!!!!!!!!! S0 1 ST0AL MY NAYBURS KARR (1 JUST BR0AK 1NT0 H1S H0WSE AND TUK THA KEYZ) AND HEDD1D BAK T0 THA LIKKUR ST00R. MY NAYBUR DRYVES A REEL SHITTEY KARR, TH1S T0TULLEY LAYME T0Y0TUH W1TH0WT ANNY P00RN 0R GAYME SISTUMS 0R K0MB0ZE 1N 1T, BUT 1 WUZ N0T G0NNA BEE DENYDE.

HEERS WARE A KRAZEY ST0REY GITS EVIN KRAZEYER. 1 MEEN, Y00 HEER AB0WT KRAZEY K01NSIDENSES HAPININJ SUMTYMES, L1KE Y00 HAV SEKS W1TH SUM CHIK AND THEN F1ND 0WT LATUR SHEE WUZINT AKSH00ALEY K0NSHUSS AT THA TYME. BUT TH1S WUZ BIY0ND THAT. WAYY BIY0ND THAT. 1 HAD 0NLEY DRIVIN A BL0KK, 0VUR SUM LAWNZ AND A KUPPUL 0F OALD PEEPUL - AND SUDDINLEY 1N MY MEERUR, 1 SEA THAT SAYME F0KKINJ K0PP. TH1S TYME HE DUZINT EGZAKTLEY PULL MEE 0VUR - HEE SWURVES 1N FRUNT 0F MY KARR AND TRYES T00 BL0KK MEEE, BUT 0F K00RSE 1 DRYVE RYTE 1NT00 H1M. HEE G1TS 0WT 0F THA KAR, AND WAREAZ HEE WUZ K1ND 0F A D1KK THA FERST TYME, HEE WUZ, L1KE, T0TULLEY AN ASSH0AL TH1S TYME. HEE W1PS 0WT H1S GUN, PULLZ MEE 0WTTA THA KARR, AND THR0WZ MEE 0N THA GR0WND. T0TULL DIKK M00VE. THEN HEE THR0WZ MEE 1N THA BAK 0F H1S SMASH-UPP KARR, ALL RUFF L1KE. 1TS 0KAYY TH0, 1 G0T BAK AT H1M BY PISSINJ AND SHITTINJ 1N THA BAKSEET. JURK.

S0, ANYWAYY, APARINTLEY 1N TH1S LITTUL ADVENCHUR 1 D1D A B0NCH 0F 1LEAGULL ST0FF. 1 D0NT KN0WE ALL THA DETAYLZ (HAY, 1 NEVUR KLAYMED T00 BEE A L0YUR), BUT SUP0ZEDLEY 1 KAWZED L1KE $2835131245234512735126347612 1N PR0PURTEY DAMAJE AND HERT L1KE A H0NDRID PEEPUL. THAY PUT MEE IN JAYLE, AND AFTUR A WYLE SUM L0YUR KAYME T00 TAULK T00 MEE. AFTUR WE HAD A LITTUL CHAT, HE SED HEE WUZ PRITTEY SHUR HEE K00D GIT MEE 0WT 0F JAYLE BEKAWZE 1 WUZ KRAZEY!!!!!!!!!!&*!!! 1 SED HAY MAN, THATS K00L, G0 F0R 1T. LITTUL D1D 1 KN0WE THAT MENT 1 W00D BE L0KKED UP 1N A NUT H0WSE F0R A KUPPUL 0F MUNTHS!!!!!! 1T SUKKED. 1'LL P0AST AB0WT THA NUTH0WSE ANUTHUR DAYY, BUT 1T WUZ DEFIN1TLEY A L0WE P0YNT 1N MY LYFE...N0 0ALD EE, N0 K0MB0ZE, SMELLEE KRAZEY PEEPUL EVREYWARE...AND N0 INTURDNET (S0, N0 S00PURBL0J!!!!). EVENCHUALLEY THA D0KTURDS LET MEE 0WT, AND HEER 1 EM.

1 KN0WE S00PURBL0J FANZ, Y00 HAV HAD A HARD TYME GITTIN THR00 YER DAYZ WITH0WT MEE. BUT D0NT WURREY. 1 EM BAK, BETTUR THEN EVUR. EVRYTHINJS G0NNA BEE DIFFRINT N0WW. MY REFRIDJERATUR WILL ALLWAYZ BE FULLEE ST0KKED W1TH 0ALD EE. N0T K1D1NJ. AND 1F, F0R WUTEVUR REEZUN, 1 HAV BIN DRINKIN AND NEAD T0 G0 SUMWARE - 1 W1LL N0T JUMP 1N MY KARR. 1 EM G0NNA BYE A M0TURDSYKLE JUST F0R THEEZ 0KKAS10NS. N0T K1D1NJ.